Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
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Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I only look at Wordle for the articles
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.