I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
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IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I have two kinds of followers
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.