I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
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If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism