Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
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I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
So that’s what we looked like?
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]