My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
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Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Oh thanks BBC.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.