Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
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I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Sunday
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police