Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
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Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…