[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
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oh my gosh!!
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.