white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
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So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Rooting for the overdog
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie