@montgomaryrock Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
@spookperson white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
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@montgomaryrock 
@shutupmikeginn If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
@BonaFideIntent I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
@UncleDuke1969 Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
@alexlumaga [Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
@Holy_Mowgli BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
@theNuzzy I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
@JohnLyonTweets People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
@weinerdog4life Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
@adamgreattweet are they though??
