white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
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Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
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If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one