@spookperson

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

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@montgomaryrock

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

@shutupmikeginn

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

@BonaFideIntent

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

@alexlumaga

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

@Holy_Mowgli

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

@theNuzzy

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

@JohnLyonTweets

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

@weinerdog4life

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.