white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Cat is stressing him out.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
The “baby” on the left….
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I bet birds love this building.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today