[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
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Nothing to do, you say?
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond