Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
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Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I only treason on days ending in y
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”