Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
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Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?