Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
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Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
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If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
How do you like your Corgi?
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I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
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Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.