@timdonakowski

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

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@JodingersCat

Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?

Me: I’m in morning

@Bandersnaaatch

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

@Rollinintheseat

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

@BadAssB48546279

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

@FoxyWinePocket

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

@CornOnTheGoblin

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

@Tommytoughstuff

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

@_kayditty

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

@AndrewChamings

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.