Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

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Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?

Me: I’m in morning


Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?


The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.


Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.


Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…


[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie


*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.


Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.


ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.