You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
You Might Also Like
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.