I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
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i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
british sex workers really pound for pound
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
back to work
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.