Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
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If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Art by Pastelkatto
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?