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Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.