When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
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playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha