Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
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Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
The police never think its as funny as you do.