If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
You Might Also Like
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
🏙👨🏼
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.