Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
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Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
This trial is so absurd 😭
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal