In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
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Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Ah..makes sense now
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol