Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
You Might Also Like
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are