The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
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After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?