good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
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A family that plays together cheats.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Found the job I’m suited for