Found the job I’m suited for
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ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat