“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
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Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
He took my last fry, your honor
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away