Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
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Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
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Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook