Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
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“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
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I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
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they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care