Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
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Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies