ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
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Feel. He’s so soft.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too