if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
