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Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I’m not wrong
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?