Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
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Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off