Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
You Might Also Like
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman