I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
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Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.