If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
You Might Also Like
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.