I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
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*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.