Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
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When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Bringing home a sharpie
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.