CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
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[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Wait a second…
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A