my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
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I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.