I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
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Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”