When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.

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My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose


Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?


This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.


DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?


I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.


“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”



If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.


Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”


Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*