When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
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I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
We’ve all been there…
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now