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me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I’M CRYINGGG
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.