Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
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this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?