So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
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Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.