Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
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a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me: