“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
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Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.