*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
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Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.