Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
You Might Also Like
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.