Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.![]()
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My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.