Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
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Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”