Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
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Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?