Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
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You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.