You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
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I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.